The True Measure of Masculinity


I woke at twelve today. I have no class on Friday, so I can now. So I made my way into the bath room that I share with Jack Danger to take a shower. Now our bathroom is usually in a state of disarray. But today was especially bizarre; the floor was covered in water, there was hair everywhere (sink, shower, you name it), and a pair of kitchen scissors sat on the counter next to the TV remote. It came out much later that Danger had attempted to cut the hair off the back of his head this morning. But this still doesn’t explain the TV remote in the bathroom, completely dry I might add. He assures me that he didn’t put it there and Kryden doesn’t ever go in our bathroom, so the arrow points to me. I sleep behind a locked door at night, so if Danger is being serious, I am in trouble. Because this would mean that I have figured out how to unlock doors while sleep walking, which would suck. Current theory: Jack Danger is fucking with me. Which is only fair, because he doesn’t recycle, as in he goes out of his way to not recycle. I’ve been engaging in a guerrilla recycling effort behind his back, so this is could get interesting.

Now I realise the three of you are pretty confused by now. “Hey Grant,” you’re saying, “I thought this post was going to be about masculinity.” Well, if you would stop being so petty and impatient, I can get to my point. Thank you.

You see, throughout history, men have always looked for ways to massage their egos and confirm that yes, indeed, they have huge organs and are quite desirable to the opposite sex. This can manifest itself many ways; houses, clothes, brand new Porsche Boxsters. But I think I’ve found an avenue which many may have missed, Mario Kart 64.

I was over at Ness, Rage, and Soup’s the other night, or as I call it, “My home away from my home away from home.” Rage and Soup were bored of watching baseball. So they decided to boot up the N64 and do some circuits around Moo Moo Farm before heading to the bar.

So we raced a lot, all sixteen tracks in fact. By the end of the session, I had placed last in eight of the races. For those of you who didn’t pass third grade, this means I lost half of the races. Soup and Rage would not let me out alive with that kind of record. Not that I was alone in the abuse, they took a lot of shots at one another as they battled for the series winner title. Now it’s not like I was doing that bad. I did win three races, including one in Yoshi’s Valley, where I “lightninged” both of them off of a cliff in the last twenty seconds to take the checkered flag. But they brought the game with us to the bar. They both made a big deal of my Mario Kart failings to Ness and his girlfriend, “Miss O.” Who on a side note asked me the strangest question last night, “So what is my Grant’s blog nickname going to be?” Well, hopefully the last sentence helped her. I had no idea, these nick names were a status symbol.

When we got back from the bar,  more Mario Kart ensued. More light, verbal abuse ensued. It was then I asked myself a new question, what is it with Mario Kart 64? There were many different games for the Nintendo 64, many of them were very fun. But if you think about it, every boy from my generation played two games, Mario Kart and Goldeneye. So bear with me, every male played these games as a kid. So winning a lot of matches shows off not only a lot of skill, but good memory and instincts. It’s also a big deal because it’s a game that everyone plays, so one is swimming through a bigger pool of competition. Goldeneye didn’t age well, so it falls to Mario Kart to be the over-competitive test of masculinity.

So here is my theory, Mario Kart is touch football for men who want to be seating and drinking while making others look like less of a man. Well, that’s my theory. I just can’t put together any other reason why it’s so important that I lost eight races. I won three others, doesn’t that prove that I’m at least competent.

I also remembered something important, I hated Mario Kart when I was younger. My brother, “The Mad Scientist”, has always been better at video games then me, and he would always stomp me at that game. So I didn’t like playing it. I’m very sure that I’ve played more Mario Kart 64 from 2005 to 2009, rather then 1995 to 1999. Weird.


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