One of my worst ideas ever


I had an unethical idea today, like we’re talking one of my top tens most unsavory ideas ever. I was sitting high up on my cloud when I realized that freshman year more or less sucked for me. Why? No connection to alcohol and didn’t know where the parties were at. I had just come from high school in England where both were readily available. So the college partying that I was looking forward to really didn’t happen my freshman year. Nowadays, I can practically walk next door and find a party and at least two people that I know. That’s the thing, when I first came to school, I didn’t know anybody.

So here is my evil plan: I will befriend a group of freshmen and hook them up with beer. Why? Because I am drunk with my own power and delusional invincibility that I feel like I could pull this off. Why would I befriend the freshmen? Mostly egotistical reasons, I think that it would be cool to be that “cool senior” who hooks the underclassmen up with stuff, because he’s just that cool. You know, it would be like camp counseling, except much more potential to get arrested.

So here is my genius plan:

1. Volunteer for something that involves freshmen (like cinema club or something stupid like that).

2. Attend the meeting wearing my senior shirt, which is actually pretty baller, and if asked who am I, I respond by saying that I’m a senior before even my own name.

3. When we break into small groups, ask some of them, quite coyly, how the school year has been treating their livers. There are two courses of action from here:

a. They shrug and say they aren’t able to get out because they don’t know anybody, proceed to step 4

b. They party more then I do, book it and head for the hills

4. Just let them know if they ever need to know where to go, because your new buddy  Grant can hook them up with anything. Except drugs, don’t ask Grant for drugs. Ever.

5. Have a new legion of friends/fans/slaves. If they ever get out of line, or too greedy, or too demanding, or start cutting in on girls you are flirting with, you can just cut them loose. Let them find their own alcohol, ingrates.


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