To Arthur


Okay, it seems like I was the last person to find out about Arthur’s Day on Thursday, that and it was the 25oth birthday of Guinness. So last night in honour of Arthur; Rage, Soup, and I polished off two six packs of the lovely, lovely, black beer of from the country of the emerald hills. I am a huge Guinness fan, to the degree that I will wax poetic about the stuff even though I know it is not actually angel’s blood. An intern I worked with spent most of the summer recounting to me the time I drank six pints of Guinness during a cast party and didn’t even look drunk. So, long story short, this was an excellent holiday to kick back, drink some beer, and watch Ole Miss prove that it had no right being in the top five.

Last year, the twelve screen movie theater in nearby Burlington was vacated and moved to a brand new, expensive complex at the Alamance Crossing Shopping Center. A gigantic location that to our post-apocalyptic descendants (this will be after the bombs drop) will look like some temple shrine to some lost god known as Commerce. Long story short, the old twelve screen theater has been abandoned, it’s still there, and there is a huge “for lease” sign out front. So who wants this giant building? Well, if I had the funds (and exact level of crazy) I would buy the old theater. No, to go against type I would not make it screen films again. I would change the purpose of the place entirely.

Here were some of my earlier ideas; giant laser tag experience, giant indoor paint ball court, giant food court (which is what Burlington is in a nutshell, by the way), giant pet store (notice a recurring theme here). But then I came up with the latest, greatest, and easily the most shameful idea I could think of…a giant, adult film store. I mean think about it, Burlington does not have a credit to it’s name now that the university is located in it’s own town now. They need something to get the tourism back-up. This also fulfills a need of society as well. Here’s why this is an awesome idea:

1. People need this stuff. This satisfies a necessary need that I do not believe that the current, commerical options of the town are delivering on. Porn makes people, don’t think to hard on that one, please.

2. People are going to hate this. I mean they will really hate this. Burlington is a proper Southern town with more churches then gas stations, somebody is going to protest against it. And that generates all sorts of free publicity.

3. The location is wonderful. It is located at one of the most used fourway intersections in town. The surrounding area contains a Rite-Aid, a Food Lion (grocery store), a McDonald’s, a Cici’s Pizzeria, a Sonic, and a Cruz-thru (like a drive-thru). This is going to make things quite nifty for people. I mean some guy goes to run errands, his shopping list consists of bread, milk, butter, aspirin, and girl on girl.

4. People will HATE this. I mean there is going to be a giant porn superstore across the street from Mickie D’s (the ultimate child reward) and Cici’s (the second most ultimate food reward).

More or less, the hope of this venture would be to create such a large, local media lightning rod that the entire basis of the store would be shock value. Like replacing where the movie posters would go outside and replacing them with huge store windows prominently displaying all sorts of things that you can’t see on the Disney Channel. And in the end, Burlington will finally have something to it’s name. Ten years from now, I want to be driving through Alamance county and see a time-honored sign saying, “Welcome to Burlington: Home of the largest adult film store in the Southeast.”


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