Grant’s Rants: 5 ways college could suck even more’s


I had a pretty bad day on Tuesday. No one reason why, just a lot of little things stacked up atop one another; Facebook isn’t working correctly, people subconsciously dislike me because I’m a Yankees fan, I can’t see a good friend over vacation because she’ll be in Pittsburgh, Ness probably wants to piss inside of my skull because I coped out of trivia night, it was raining today…etc. Then it dawned upon me, well actually, that’s a lie. A thought popped into my head on Monday, when this one guy was telling some other person in my Capstone class about the top 10 rants that I used to do, better known as “Grant’s Rants: Ten things that piss me off this month.” Of course, I had to point this out because he was talking like I wasn’t there, even though I was five feet away. Now that I have the blog, it makes it a lot harder to do these lists, because I’m creating new stuff almost everyday. So what I have decided to do is make my rants shorter and have a theme for each one. To cheer myself up, I will look back on just how much worse my life could be. And the fact that it took me about a week to get around to finishing this list.

1. I don’t have a clingy girlfriend- Yes, I know that I am single so this may seem like talking all high and mighty. But I have to say that one relief in my life right now is that I don’t have to balance emotionally appeasing someone of the opposite sex as well as school work and filming “Moonshine”. While, yes, life can be so much better with close companionship, it’s a monkey that I don’t think I could take on my back right now.

2. I don’t play Division I football- While some people may think,” No way, man. Think of all the prestige and shit.” I would have to laugh in your face. Have you been paying attention to what’s happened to Tim Tebow and Sam Bradford these past two months? Scary stuff, which could hurt their future careers. Football to me sometimes seems to be some strange, sick game created by Satan. It feels almost like a Russian Roulette of who stays alive and who permanently injures his back. The majority of collegiate athletes never make the pro leagues, so I would have to split my time between class, football, filming, and probably, a clingy girlfriend.

3. I don’t have a massive drug habit- Let’s face it, nobody who does serious amounts of cocaine is happy. I know many a person who claims to have tried cocaine, but to the best of my knowledge there is nobody who half-jokingly admits, “Yeah, I’m a coke head,” in the same way that they would say, “Yep, I’m an alcoholic,” or “Man, I’m a bit of a stoner.” Not only does one have to deal with all the brain damage and paranoia, it also takes a lot out of your wallet. It’s also good not having a clingy girlfriend pumping you for drugs.

4. I’m not some sort of genetic mutant- Okay, this one probably seems fairly obvious. But it’s easier walking through life knowing that you don’t carry an X-factor gene that activates on the onset of puberty, which grants the recipient with uncanny superhuman abilities, thrusting the subject in a world prejudice that hates and fears them. Actually I had the X-gene, I wouldn’t even be at college, I’d probably be on the Gold team or Excalibur or something like that. Either way, it’s better having to go to class not having to hide angel wings, adamantium claws, or a telepathic clingy girlfriend.

5. I don’t have AIDS- Just having an STD would suck. I probably would have got it from a…oh, you know the end of that sentence.


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