Grant’s Rants: The Holidays

30Nov09

Well, in the words of OK Go, “Here it goes again.” Perhaps that is the lowest culture reference I will ever use, hmm…maybe not. Anyway, right it is “The Holidays Strike Back” as the New Hope has all but evaporated into my mother’s constant need to keep us doing activities no matter how mundane, when all of the older ones really just want to sleep.

5. The Disney Buffer
The recurring problem for my family has been a similar one since the birth of the Little Tyrant in 2002, the six children of our family are on a fifteen year scale. So while other people I know can actually all go see “A Serious Man” or dare I say it, “Ninja Assassin” as a group, my family will be stuck seeing schlock like Planet 51 or the intensely ugly new version of Christmas Carol. Whenever we do something, it has to be age-appropriate. Now this is all well and good, but sometimes a guy needs to go watch a man get eviscerated on screen or consume more then half an alcoholic beverage in one sitting.

4. The HESS Truck
If ever there was a marketing campaign that needs to end it’s the HESS Truck. The HESS Truck has an absolutely uncanny ability to stay of the collective consciousness for the majority of the year, only for it to re-emerge in time for the snow. Stupid jingle, stupid product. I didn’t even know that there were still HESS gas stations still in operation, until the ad came on the other day. It always sucked in grade school, there would always that one guy who ever Hess Truck in existence and would lord it over you.

3. Pop music
I can’t stand songs like Winter Wonderland, songs which sound probably be categorized more as seasonal music more then holiday music. Jingle Bells too, what the fuck is up with Jingle Bells? What do sleigh bells and getting stuck in a fucking blizzard have to the birth of our Lord and Savior, unless you’re Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or something else. But then…but then they (the music industry) has the gall to have lesser-known pop singers do their own over-the-top covers, no thanks.

2. Television programs
Don’t care especially for Christmas specials either. Stephen Colbert had it right last year when he did that musical special for the Holidays. But taking such a risk to have such a ridiculous special, he showed that holiday specials are just cornball. It makes sense for various shows to do programs that are fueled off of holidays, but its just so sugary that sometimes I think I’m the one who has diabetes, not my mother.

1. Commercialization
Read the previous four entries, you know what I’m trying to say.

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