Grant reviews filth: Bayonetta


For those of you who have seen the trailers, television commercials, or any image really of Bayonetta, you would never think me to purchase that kind of video game. Long story short, I went halvsies with the Critic on a new copy of this game. So our friendship, as I have kidded with him, has now amounted to something like a divorced couple. No communication, constantly struggling over visiting rights, Bayonetta is the only thing we still share from our past loveless marriage. But what a sparkling child that Bayonetta is.

For those of you who have no idea what I have been talking about, Bayonetta is a brand new action game released by Sega. Think in the same vein as Devil May Cry, Ninja Gaiden, and God of War; big, mean, nasty, bad guys attack you and you have to destroy them with flashy, elaborate combo moves. However there are a handful of key differences between Bayonetta and those other action protagonists, the chief of which being that Bayonetta is a voluptuous babe with an immoral attitude. Bayonetta’s proportions are stylistically out of whack as well, her legs are longer then the top half of her body, giving the impression that Bayonetta is tall enough to play center for the Goldern State Warriors. Her T&A are also a fair bit larger then should be expected on an incredibly tall and slim woman, and it doesn’t help that her natural “waiting around” stance makes her look like a swan. She is dressing from neck to toe in what looks like black leather and wears a severe pair of eyeglasses. The Critic thinks this looks like an oversexed version of Sarah Palin, but then Jack Danger reminded him that she’s already oversexed.

But the combat system, while not truly adding anything revolutionary to the genre, is fun. Really damned fun. Bayonetta starts out the game with four magical pistols, one in each hand and one on each foot. Yes, this woman has guns strapped to her high heels! But thanks to a fast and fluid combat system, this just adds to the fun, as punching and kicking combos may often end with a dash of gun fire. Over the course of the game, you may get weapon upgrades, so you may swap out your pistols for shotguns, a katana, elemental claws, ice skates, you name it. Each weapon sets up their own set of combos, so it is fun to experiment with each set-up.

Bayonetta is quite a sexual being though, the fan service in this game is just ridiculous. First of all, that tight black leather outfit is made of her hair. No really, Bayonetta has some strong attacks which involve her clothes coming off (key areas are always tastefully obscured) and her hair taking the shape of a fist, a boot, a giant eight-eyed raven, you name it. There is also a taunt button, that seems to accomplish no purpose other then having our hero coo, “You want to touch me?” and serves no actual purpose in battle. Then there are the cinematics which feature enough up-close boob and butt shots to make teen sex comedies blush.

Overall, Bayonetta is actually such a fun game. The combat is quite fast-paced and maddening, but quite rewarding if you get the hang of it. The button you’ll be using more then you expect is the dodge button. If you’re curious its worth picking up.


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