Things that are dead to me

12Feb10

There are some things that deserve a second chance. There are other things that are unfit for the eyes to see, ears to hear, or mouth to taste. These are the things that are dead to me. Elements created by our own popular culture that I have decided add nothing positive to my existence, so if I could I would rather pretend that they never existed. This will be a continuing feature. But one thing that you should take in mind, my rants consist of items that have failed but still need to be acknowledged. This list will be small and compact, but it should never exist. The inaugural inductees are:

1)Kings of Leon- I believe that it was my junior year of high school when I first heard “The Bucket”, the new single from Kings of Leon. I was impressed that those yokels from Nashville had actually crafted a quality song. My freshmen year of college, the Kings released their best album yet. But what the hell happened these couple of years? Why did they right a song called “Sex on Fire”? Why did they decide to be the country U2? Why are they now so insanely popular as they grind into mediocrity? Unbelievable.

2)Heroes- This was another case of something which started out quite good and wound up sucking. NBC has pretty much given Heroes the kiss of death, two years too late in my opinion. After a solid first season, Heroes could not capitalize on their new found popularity and turned one of the few superpower shows on television into a convoluted soap opera with limited characters. How could a superhero show be so boring? Just ask Tim Kring, whose guidance of this show over the past few years begs the question how he came up with such a great idea, yet never got his on-screen product past the quality of the premise. Pitiful.

3) The Duke-UNC rivalry- Yes, I watched the game the other day and it was one of the sloppiest games I’ve seen in years. Yes, I go to school in North Carolina, but how am I really supposed to pick between these two when they play? It’s like having to pick between being eaten by vultures or a giant snake; you can either be picked at for hours or be slowly crushed until you run out of air. Two evil programs with an almost robotic consistency (and for those of you who correctly point out that UNC sucks this year, we all know they will be back next year), its just never fun to watch those teams play, because one of them has to win. Unbearable.

4) CSI Miami- I’ve never been that in to episodic television programs, my preference being shows based of character arcs and a continued narrative. Law & Order maybe the most ubiquitous procedural show on right now, thanks to cable, but CSI Miami takes the word “suck” to a whole new level. Keep in mind, that CBS created an additional CSI show after Miami (New York), which consistently beats Miami in the ratings. Of all of the CSIs, Miami is the most over-the-top, self-indulgent, and over-sexed of the CSI shows. David Caruso’s character is one of the least likable television detectives of the modern era and the rest of the cast are far too pretty to be forensic experts. Here’s another thing, there is no police department in these United States that issues forensic experts firearms and has them do on-site procedural work (like tracking down leads and interviewing suspects). Forensic guys collect samples at the scene and analyze results in the lab, which can be kinda dull. Annoying.

5) Charles Barkley’s work with Taco Bell- Okay, did they set out to make the dumbest commercial to ever be processed by the human mind? Because they succeeded! Ness and Soup spent the entire Super Bowl waiting for that ad. Needless to say, it disappointed. At the same time, every time I see that ridiculous ad, I get very hungry just seeing how much is in that five dollar box. Damn it.

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